hmm. so fast and its already the 14th of april. just one more week and sch reopens. goodness, boy is it a long long long 3 months break. everyone is fussing what to wear, what to bring, how to look on the first day. but i'm here thinking, how to continue on.
seems so similar to last year this time. "how to continue with E being in the same sch as i am" now, "how to continue with all the shit ass that is happening"

totally irrelavant, but theres no other E because i kinda died on the idea of being in a relationship. i just feel too constrained, not myself. its not like before when i was me when i'm with E. not that i'm emo over E. but its not easy to find someone who can let me be me.

hmmm. reflecting on my past 3 months, i guess i really had everything that i wanted. really letting go of E, clubbed till i'm high, drank till i'm weak, stayovered tonnes of times, knew alot of people, talked to random strangers, constrain from shopping that much, tried stuff that was totally out of my league(christian louboutin shoes for christ sake), made friends with people who worked at clubs. went overseas solo, live dine shop like crazy in a foreign country. just alot has happened.
can't help but just feel nostalgic for what happened before. isaac, karenn, agnes, zach, and other people whom i thought were friends whom i'd be very good friends for a long time. but things had to happen and i don't even know what is the status that i have with thesse people anymore.
is it me? why is it that i'm getting feed back from the people i hang out with, saying that i'm fucked up, i'm petty, i'm immature? i don't know. immatured? one says yes one says no. whenever i ask, i can't get answers. i'll definately never do things that would work out in a wrong direction. but why when i say so, i'm being said all these stuff? yes things have alrd stopped happening. but these words actually still ring in my head so loud that its just like someone sitting next to me constantly chanting it into my ears.
things are starting to happen without me knowing. is it because i said i don't want to know? or are things not being mentioned to me like they were used to?
why am i the one in fault and the other party pretends that it isn't theirs? why does it constantly have to be me worrying so much, not knowing so much, not informed so much, thinking so much, and have it ALL slammed back into my face? why do i have to make myself constantly suffer just because of other people who enjoys the other? why am i the one who is being stopped from doing things while the other is doing everything else? so what if you think this way? why do i have to stop?
yes i enjoy things that has happened. but i don't like the way things are going on now.

i hope it isn't something that someone else said. if so, i'd let go of everything. every. single. thing.

i don't like change. it just disrupts me and i get so irritated that i have to blog at such unearthly hour.

yes its just the same old entry but i just dont understand. just don't.